"Still"
by Pam Gamble
eksphyl@yahoo.com

CATEGORY: V, MSR
DEDICATION: To Kelida--on the eve of her retirement
(which I still refuse to accept)--consider this your
gold watch:)
SUMMARY:  There is more than one way to lose your best
friend.



One moment of weakness.

Of wanting something so badly she could taste it.

That it might have caused her to lose the person she
valued most in the world.

She would never forgive herself if he was gone.

**********************************

She stepped quietly through the open door of the
office, heels clicking softly as she closed the door
behind her.

His back was to her, fingers abruptly stilled over the
manila tabs in the filing cabinet.

She waited.

He slowly pushed the drawer along the rollers until it
met the cabinet frame with a metallic thump. Even his
eyes hesitated, falling to the floor as he turned. She
could almost feel the earth rotating with his body.

His gaze climbed like ivy, winding its way up her
legs, around the curve of her waist, skimming over her
shoulders. She shivered as he lingered on her neck,
felt his eyes glide up to her hair, before finally
drifting down to find her face, meeting her nervous
stare with his own.

<please don't hate me>

Relief shuddered through her as a smile blossomed on
his face, radiant with warm traces of the night
before.

He was still there.

She had been willing. More than willing. 

Until after, when it was dark and quiet and dangerous
and she had time to think.

When fear had pulled her away from his sated body and
sent her searching for the friend who'd been replaced
with a lover.

She had searched desperately for the words, the road
that could take them back to the way they used to be.

But she was lost without him.

She'd been afraid things would be different now.

They *were* different.

But she was no longer afraid.

He was still here. 

And so was she.
*****************************

He stepped around the desk to lean against the edge,
closer now. He reached for her hand, already offered
before it was sought. Gently tugging her toward him,
she found that the eyes she had at first avoided were
drawing her in, a beautiful undertow in which she
would willingly drown.

One small hand resting on his thigh. One part balance,
one part desire.

She smiled, shyly, as his fingers tousled her hair
with a sweet, awkward grace. Felt her face warm at his
touch. Felt him drawing the fear away from her,
absorbing it as she had absorbed all of him just hours
before. 

Her other hand found his waist, completing the
connection, and she felt warmth and electricity and so
much love, coursing through her and out of her and
into him and back.

And she remembered to breathe.

"Mulder."

One finger skimmed the line of her cheekbone. Her own
fears reflected in his words. "I thought, I thought
you'd look different, somehow."

She liked the idea of that now. That he could change
her, transform her into something she hadn't been
before.

She *felt* different.

As though when they had melted into each other the
night before, they had created something entirely new,
dazzling in the purity and rightness of its origin.

"Do I?"

He nodded. His eyes skittered to the corners of the
room, cautious, wanting to hold this one last secret
between them. Let the truth be uncovered.

Let some things remain a mystery.

He lowered his head, lips grazing the curve of her
ear. "You have never looked more beautiful." He found
her eyes with his. "But you're still my Scully."

She wanted to apologize, explain.

But he was still there. Her lover may have been new to
her, but her friend had understood.

He really had, she realized.

For there had been no pleading phone call, no panicked
knock at the door.

He had waited for her to come back, on her own terms,
in her own time.

His warm breath fanned the fires inside her, but the
only thing she wanted there now was him.

Her head tilted up, tasting the heat of his cheek
before she crossed the room and buried herself in
paperwork.

And knew tonight would be different.

Tonight, she wouldn't let the fear overwhelm her.

Tonight, she wouldn't take everything he had to offer,
and then run away.

Tonight, she would stay.

He squeezed her hand, safe in the knowledge that he
could love her without losing her.

And she smiled, safe in the knowledge that she could
love him without losing herself.

the end