TITLE: I Stole Your G-Man! AUTHOR: Alicia Kamenick SUMMARY: Jerry Springer meets the X-Files. Nuff said. CATEGORY: C, H RATING: TV-14. If you're not mature enough to watch Jerry Springer, you're not mature enough to read this. Funny - I never thought I'd use Jerry Springer and the word mature in the same sentence. DISCLAIMER: Not mine. They're Chris Carter's and 1013's. Wouldn't mind owning them, though. Except maybe for Jerry Springer. You can keep him. AUTHOR'S NOTE: I jotted this one down in about a half an hour, after coming across a little contest in Time magazine in which the participants were asked to create a really cool crossover between two TV shows. Don't ask me how these guys ended up on Jerry Springer. I don't think I want to know. It's silly, dumb, and highly inconsequential. Jerry Springer is like a car wreck - horrible and sad, but it's hard to turn away. Please archive to Gossamer. Anywhere else is fine, too, but just let me know where it's going. Feedback? Yes, please. spartcus@execpc.com CAST OF CHARACTERS: Fox Mulder - Brooding, borderline bizarre Special Agent with the FBI. Obsessed with finding his sister, Samantha. Very talented at repressing his feelings towards Agent Scully. Dana Scully - Highly intelligent, skeptical partner of Fox Mulder. If anything bad happens to anyone on the show, chances are, it happens to her. Very talented at repressing her feelings towards Agent Mulder. Walter Skinner - Hard-nosed, ex-Marine boss of Agents Mulder and Scully. Tries to keep them in line, but helps them when he can. Had a weird episode of his own, involving a dead prostitute and an old hag. Cigarette Smoking Man - Key player in the conspiracy regarding aliens and the like. Possibly Mulder's and/or Samantha's father. Speaks with a Canadian accent. Smokes like a chimney. Diana Fowley - Mulder's old flame, who has returned in the season finale for the sole purpose of coming between Mulder and Scully. Jerry Springer - The purveyor of putridity. TV mediator of staged brawls between cross- dressing/homosexua/bisexual adulterers. "Today on Jerry Springer: I Stole Your G-Man!'" Jerry Springer: Today we have with us four FBI agents who are embroiled in a government conspiracy involving alien colonization. We have Fox Mulder, head of the X-Files division. So, Fox ... Fox Mulder: Don't call me Fox. JS: All right, Agent Mulder. What exactly are the X-Files? FM: They're the FBI's dumping ground for anything weird and unsolvable, usually involving aspects of the paranormal. I've been using them to find my sister Samantha, who was abducted when she was eight. JS: I see. We also have Diana Fowley, who was Agent Mulder's partner when he discovered the X-Files, Walter Skinner, assistant director of the FBI, and Dr. Dana Scully, who has been Agent Mulder's partner for the past five years. Agent Scully, how did you come to be involved with the X-Files? Dana Scully: I was initially assigned to debunk' the X-Files, using my scientific background. But as we unearthed the conspiracy, I wanted answers as well. I've seen things that science can't explain. FM: The truth is out there, Jerry. JS: Indeed. So, Dana. Since you've been partnered with F ... Agent Mulder, you've been given a brain tumor, had your eggs harvested, been made infertile, lost a daughter who was ... half alien? All a supposed result of your abduction and subsequent disappearance at the hands of shadowy men involved in this conspiracy. Is that correct? DS: (Crossing her legs uncomfortably) Yes, but none of that has been proven ... JS: Mm-hm. So why, then, after all of this suffering, have you remained with Agent Mulder? DS: Because I need to know the truth, and why these things were done to me. To us. JS: Is that the only reason, Agent Scully? DS: Yes. Well ... no ... I mean ... All right, all right! I love the bastard, isn't that what you want to hear? (Cheers from the audience) FM: Scully ... ? DS: Mulder, I've been in love with you from the start. Audience: Awwwwww. (Mulder grins like a lovesick puppy.) Diana Fowley: (Leaping from her seat) You ! He was my partner first! I was his little chickadee'! (Diana tackles Scully, and the crowd goes nuts.) Audience: JER-RY! JER-RY! (Security escorts Diana back to her seat and helps Scully up. Mulder still has a big grin on his face. Skinner is hiding his face in his hands.) JS: Well, as long as we're on the subject of confessions ... Our next guest is a key player in this conspiracy, always lurking in the shadows, covering up tracks, controlling Agent Mulder like a puppet. Come on out! (The Cigarette Smoking Man comes out and sits down beside Diana. Skinner restrains Mulder from leaping out of his chair.) Audience: BOOOOOOOOO!!! JS: Welcome. But please, sir. There's no smoking in here. (CSM ignores this.) Sir, put that out, or we'll remove you from the studio. CSM: Don't threaten me, Mr. Springer. I've watched presidents die. Audience: Ooooooooooooooohhhh!!! JS: OK. Well, what would you like to tell our guests today? CSM: As you know, I've always had a soft spot for Agent Mulder. I've kept him alive, kept him in the game. He's an important piece of the puzzle. (He pauses to crush his cigarette under his shoe) I'm your father, Fox. FM: WHAT???!!! (Audience hoots and hollers) You black- lunged ! (He rushes towards CMS, but Skinner and Scully hold him back.) JS: Agent Mulder, I can see you're not happy about this. Let's take a break, and we'll be back with a final thought. (After commercial break. Onstage, Mulder and Scully are locked in a passionate embrace, Diana is pouting, CSM is smoking, and Skinner is slumped in his chair, mortified.) JS: In today's society, with our hectic schedules and complicated lives, we must remember that despite the lies, deceitfulness, and conspiracies, there is always time - and a place - for love. Let's be good to each other. END I know, I know. Utterly silly. "Please explain to me the scientific nature of the Whammy." -Dana Scully, "Pusher"