TITLE: "The Mulder Show" (1/1) AUTHOR: Sister Moon ARCHIVE: I'd love it, but e-mail me to let me know where it's going :) E-MAIL: Dhcmoon@aol.com CATEGORY: UST (Oh,YEAH), DAL (Always) RATING: R, for adult language and some smutty imagery SUMMARY: Answer to a fanfic challenge from Mystic Girl 1013, who requested a story dealing with what sorts of things the survelliance camera in Mulder's office would have picked up. This story assumes that Scully and Mulder share an office and that Scully has her own desk (in your face, CC .) SPOILERS: Biogenesis, Milagro DISCLAIMERS: None of these characters belong to me but to 1013 Productions, Chris Carter and the actors who portray them. Don't sue me, I beg you! FEEDBACK: Would be greatly appreciated and warmly welcomed! Please e-mail me at the above address. AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is for Dee and for Marina.....Danke! "The Mulder Show" Alex Krycek eased open the door and crept as quietly as he could into the darkened room. He heard the over-exaggerated moaning sounds coming from the television and rolled his eyes. Diana was watching that goddamn survelliance tape again---the one that showed Mulder beating off to a porno video right in his office. Jesus, what a pervert. Actually, he didn't know which was more perverse--doing that in your office, or *watching* someone do it in his office. He snuck up behind her, leaned down and murmured, "Watching 'The Mulder Show' again, Di?" Diana jumped to startled attention and reached for the VCR's remote. "Jesus! Stop sneaking in like that!" she hissed. "Didn't I see this on Fox the other night? 'Caught on Tape 6: The World's Most Pathetic Loser.'" Krycek cackled in amusement. When Diana ignored him, he tried again. Busting her chops about Mulder had become Krycek's favorite hobby since they'd been assigned to this crap detail--watching each day's surveillance tapes from Mulder's and Skinner's offices and reporting any relevant findings to C.G.B. Spender. "Don't you ever get tired of watching that, Di? Oh, I know....you're hoping someday you'll watch it and hear him moan your name in ecstasy......'Oh, Diana....oh....oooohhhhh!!!........'" he writhed dramatically, mimicking a man in the throes of passion. He looked over at her to see if her bottom lip was trembling--a sure sign that he'd hit the bullseye. Nothing yet. Diana's teeth grinded against each other but her voice was calm. "Cut the crap, Alex....and don't call me 'Di'." He sat in the chair next to hers and spoke in a mock apologetic tone. "I'm sorry, Agent Fowley....that was rude of me. It's just.....well, that tape really disturbs me, you know? I mean, to do *that* right in the middle of a place of business....a United States government office for Godssake. It shows an utter lack of respect for everything this great nation stands for." Diana gave him a look that told him she wasn't buying the bullshit. He continued, "And you'd think he's getting enough off the Ice Queen that he wouldn't *need* to---" "He's not *getting* anything off her....they're not lovers," Diana interjected, her voice fighting to remain even. Krycek saw her bottom lip quiver slightly. Score! "Oh Diana, come on....you've gotta admit they're doing each other, it's as plain as day. No two people working in an office that size just 'accidentally' brush against each other and touch so much....they're always right on top of each other for Chrissake! And I've lost count of how many times a day Scully checks out Mulder's ass." He'd almost yakked up his lunch several times over the past few weeks when he and Diana had watched the surveillance tapes. Mulder and Scully had always looked close, but they seemed to be getting more sickening by the day, especially since they'd discovered that Mulder's neighbor had been stalking Scully. For days afterward, Mulder had hovered protectively over Scully, giving her sad cow-eyes every time her back was turned. What a wuss. Several days after that, Krycek and Diana had watched gleefully as Scully ripped Mulder a new one for questioning her findings on an autopsy. They'd stood nearly toe-to-toe yelling into each other's faces until they'd had to pause for breath, both flushed red with anger. Krycek had to give Scully credit--as much as Mulder towered over the little bitch trying to use his size to intimidate her, she stood her ground, glaring angrily up at him and not budging an inch. When Mulder broke their staring contest by turning away and storming out of the office, Krycek leaned over to Diana and said, "Guess Spooky's not gettin' any tonight, huh?" He heard what sounded like a hiss escape Diana's lips but she kept her eyes fixed on the screen and said nothing. The next day's surveillance tape had shown a contrite-looking Mulder approach Scully at her desk. He placed a white paper Cinnabon bag in front of her and murmured, "Peace offering," when she looked up at him questioningly. When she opened the bag and breathed into it deeply, a smile of pleasure broke over her face at the tantalizing smell of cinnamon. She pulled the cinnamon bun out of the bag and pulled off a piece to stuff in her mouth, closing her eyes as she chewed. "Mmmmmmm...still warm," she said in obvious approval. "Friends?" Mulder asked her. In answer, she broke the large bun into two halves and handed one to Mulder wordlessly with the tiniest hint of a smile. Mulder grinned and brought the sticky bun back to his desk to wolf down while he started work. "I think I just got diabetes," Krycek had muttered in disgust. The next morning, Mulder's peace offering to Scully had been a chocolate croissant, and the day after that, a blueberry muffin. On the fourth day, when Mulder placed the paper bag in front of Scully, she had looked up and asked lightly, "And what artery-clogging delicacy did you bring me today, Mulder?" Mulder had reached into the bag and pulled out a large peach. He held it in front of her face and swept his thumb back and forth along the fuzzy skin. "Brought you some peaches, Scully....nice and ripe....feel." Scully's fingers brushed his as she took the peach out of his hand. They had stared at each other for a moment before Scully broke their gaze by lowering her head. "Yeah it does feel ripe...thanks," she said faintly. Mulder picked a peach out of the bag for himself and went over to his desk to sit down. Krycek and Diana had watched in mounting nausea as Mulder stared intensely at Scully while she ate. She'd obliviously worked on her case notes with one hand and gustily gobbled down the fruit with the other, while Mulder watched her in rapt fascination. When Scully took a large bite of the peach and juice ran down her chin, Mulder's bottom lip fell open in blatant lust. Real subtle, Mulder, Krycek thought. He looked like he was about to blow his wad right then and there. "Why doesn't he just throw her on his desk and slip her the salami, already? At least it'd be something interesting to watch for a change, " Krycek said out loud. "*Must* you be so crude?" Diana's cool exterior crumbled before Krycek's amused eyes. He grinned evilly at Diana. "I'll bet she's a screamer....what do you think?" "Just shut *up*, will you?" Diana's hand slapped the conference table in annoyance. ********************************* Krycek walked over to the VCR, ejected the tape of Mulder watching his skinflick and popped in the previous day's tape from Mulder's office. He and Diana watched Mulder fidget alone in his office for an hour-and-a-half before Scully was due for her usual arrival time. Mulder turned his small clock radio to a classic rock station and used two pencils to drum out the tunes on his desk while he sang along with the Rolling Stones then Led Zeppelin and Jimi Hendrix, before dropping the pencils and turning up his nose at distaste when the Allman Brothers came on. He checked his watch, then opened a manila file folder on his desk and perused it, one hand playing with his hair while the fingers of his other hand drummed restlessly on the desk. Seeming to grow bored with the file, he shoved it aside and looked around the room as if seeking inspiration. He checked his watch again and blew air out of his pursed lips. After a few seconds, he reached into a drawer and took out a stack of plain paper. He crumpled one piece of paper at a time into a ball and took aim at the wastebasket across the room, cheering to himself whenever one landed in the basket. After a few throws, he scribbled on a sheet of paper in pencil for a while, then looked at his watch again and stared at the door impatiently. "He is *so* pussy-whipped," Krycek remarked. "Alex, could we get through just *one* day without your running commentary? It's not in the least amusing," Diana said sourly. Krycek made a face at her behind her back. On the tv screen, Mulder was folding a piece of paper into a crudely made airplane, which he sailed at Scully when she walked in the door a moment later. It landed at her feet and she picked it up, frowning at it before walking it back over to Mulder. Making a "tsking" sound, she said, "Is *this* how you're wasting valuable government property and time, Mulder?" "C'mon Scully, lighten up," he protested. Scully shook her head with a resigned sigh and put her purse down on Mulder's desk before picking up a sheet of paper. She made several methodical folds in the paper, saying "Didn't you ever learn how to make a proper paper airplane, Mulder?" She held up the finished product to show him before sailing it smoothly and gracefully across the room, earning his appreciative whistle. "Go, girl," he grinned at her. She beamed back proudly at him. Krycek made a loud gagging sound. When Diana shot him a warning look, he turned it into an exaggerated cough and looked at her innocently. After they'd watched the screen in silence for a few seconds, Krycek said in a conversational tone, "Did you see the military precision of that paper airplane? She has *got* to be the most rigid, anal person I know, I swear. I wonder if when they're in bed, she's like 'Alright Fox, now put it in me at a 45 degree angle and then turn your body in an eastward direction...I want 2.3 orgasms'--" "That's *it*!!!!" Diana exploded at him, leaping to her feet. "You are without doubt the crudest, most unprofessional person I've ever had the displeasure of working with---I don't know why the hell I got stuck with you---" "Maybe you shoulda sucked your sugar daddy Spender's dick a little harder and you wouldn't be here right now--" A strangled sound of frustrated anger came from Diana's throat. "He's going to hear about this---I don't have to stand for this--" she sputtered. "Go ahead and tell him, see if I care," Krycek laughed right in her face. He had more dirt on Old Smokey than Diana Fowley could possibly imagine--not to mention what he had on *her*. He was just biding his time. He almost wished Diana would push him too far--she was starting to get on his nerves. Diana marched to the door and turned to him. "You'll be sorry for this, Alex. Trust me." Her voice was soft and deadly. Krycek raised a friendly hand in goodbye. "Bye, Di....always a pleasure." As she walked out, slamming the door behind her, Alex laughed to himself. This was gonna be a good day. End.